"Those were hard things for me to come by, and I offer them to you for what they may be worth." - Toby Wolff



Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Pouring




I feel like I carry a black cloud
and it's starting to rain on all the undeserving
as if I'd sprung a leak

What I thought was truth spoken
from the divining rod of quivering bones
was merely a rain dance.

No one asked for rain.


(Our car was broken into last night...everything ravaged and $8,000 worth of equipment stolen. I got fired from my remaining volunteer post as the farm's newsletter writer last night...the last vestige of something I dearly loved. My son is bumming couch nights from people he does not know because the girlfriend of his buddy (who said he could stay with him until he found a place) was so openly hostile and resentful that the streets of Los Angeles were more appealing. And this morning....well, that was something else altogether. Why continue this ramble. Fact is, I feel toxic, as if all the ills of the world are my doing. Can you imagine what kind of idiot thinks she has that much power? This one.)
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28 comments:

  1. First: hugs. Second: a door is about to open, get ready. Third: more hugs.

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  2. Annie,
    I won't say i understand what your are going through because i don't..and humanly i would wish i don't have to in days to come....i believe if there are tragedies that would inspire ...they are self inflicted...if you have that power in you...if you believe you have the power to attract misery...for you this

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  3. Annie, I won't pull any punches...that fucking sucks!
    When I hear shit like that my white knight wants to come out and save the day...the only problem is that in his last joust he broke all his saving equipment.
    I could tell you all sorts of positive things and I am more than willing to but I don't want to tell you shit you dont want to hear...just know that I am on the firing lines with you got my flack jacket and helmitt on, just waiting for the morters to stop.

    Wander

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  4. You are not a cataylst of things gone wrong. Let it go!
    You are a good woman and things happen for a reason. Out of your and everyone's control.
    Rabbit

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  5. It's just the rain. It'll let up. Hang in there!

    Your poem is very succinct and beautiful. The photo is beautiful, as well.

    Having not actually met you -- and only knowing you via your posts and comments here and there -- perhaps I shouldn't say so, but I would hazard a guess you have a great deal of what we all seek, internal strength. I hope things improve soon.

    I wish you good fortune!

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  6. Personally speaking, I just love you Annie just the way you are!

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  7. Funny, I always thought of you as sunshine. What one pair of eyes see that another does not. God made you, so that makes you pretty special.

    XO

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  8. Rain makes stuff grow.

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  9. Ahhh Kind Readers,
    Welcome to my pity party. Sorry about that. It is my gut instinctual negative pessimistic ultra responsible self that arrives first. Hopefully she leaves with the guests. Thanks for coming :) Cheers to a better day!

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    Replies
    1. Start your year over on a day that only happens every four years!!!

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    2. Well look at you! You have a face :)

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    3. yeah, and I sometimes like it...
      My old profile pic was of me at the 1986 worlds fair.

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  10. annie, i'm not doing much better. but what good does it do to blame yourself? i think self blame is often the vestige of unattended children who quite helpfully believe that if they are to blame, then they have the ability to make things better, by being better.

    i'm sorry about all of this. it sucks for sure. please please resist connecting your new winged hope with catastrophe. random things happen in the natural world.

    with love, you betcha
    kj

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    Replies
    1. Damn that's insightful. Are you a therapist of somethin'? *wink*

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  11. Oh dear...I'm sending you good karma.

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  12. Well it all poured out here very well, creatively, but poured just the same. Wish things were going better, but your voice remains so clear. It has to, it will improve. Your voice is to powerful, not to.

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  13. hope things improve. i know what it's like to be down. sorry about the farm, but those people you need to get away from. they didn't treat you right.

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  14. I recognize, all too well, that feeling of everything going wrong and that it must be my fault somehow. Also that one word: idiot; once I get there I know I'm on the road to recovery. I hope things will look better soon, for you and your son. I'm not promising they will, just hoping.

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    Replies
    1. Made me smile. Once I reach idiot, I'm on the road to recovery. Insightful yet again. I have wonderful readers here.

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  15. I hope you will see light soon. But I see shine in your darkness, and that's something isn't it. I find that if I can see at least one up every day, I'll be all right.

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    Replies
    1. A candle in complete darkness casts a mighty glow. If I've a light, then yes...it is something indeed! Thank you Ruth. I'll be alright too.

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  16. Just remember if you wake up every morning it is a good day!

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  17. Holy shit. You amaze me. Your honesty and brutal truth. Love you sister, in all your mess, in all your rented out head space to people that don't fucking matter and situations that will change because everything does. I often read and don't comment 'cause you always seem so perfect. And here you are, a perfectly imperfect beauty! Maybe it'll get better, maybe it'll get worse. What I know for sure, is that just by being authentically you, you have contributed to bettering the human race today. That, has got to be worth something. xo and love.

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    Replies
    1. Seredipitous. I was just watching the video you posted on Facebook, and here you are! Thank you Dana!

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  18. Sometimes things are just so shitty all you can do is grunge around in it until you can rise from the slime and see that things 'just ARE' and resistance to 'what is' is a form of violence against the self.

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    Replies
    1. Caring for self feels so selfish to me. It is a very difficult highway on a good day, even more so on flat tires. Thanks Kass!

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  19. Ohhh Annie I remember you wrote on my blog about your son had just left to start school and now this! I sometimes feel some of us never get a break in life. We sit here taking blow after blow after blow but we learn to live with it and make lemonade out of lemons. Your words and your music will keep you going.

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  20. Yes, I do know that feeling. There is a reason I stay so quiet for so long. I'm afraid the toxicity of what I'm feeling, wanting, doing will spew out and touch the undeserving...

    So I go quiet, still inside and hope like hell therapy doesn't make it worse (it does, I disagree with my therapist on every level...even when he's right).

    Please know even in my quiet reservations, I'm thinking of you and you sweet friend are never alone. (Hugs)Indigo

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Thank you for listening.