"Those were hard things for me to come by, and I offer them to you for what they may be worth." - Toby Wolff



Saturday, August 27, 2011

Imagining Surrender




Sometimes I want to spread my arms in surrender, drop responsibilities like a sack of groceries. I want to lord over them with my arms crossed, stare down at all that mess as if it were someone else's. I would watch the eggs run and marvel at the glorious golden yolk, foregoing any inclination to save them. The whites would sizzle on the pavement as the paper sack reaches....wicking moisture like a parched pheasant at the well. I would not think about salmonella, or litter, or which bits belong in green waste and which to recycle. I would say "Ain't my job!" like I wear a hard hat and drive a back hoe, and anything outside my job description is a union infringement. INFRINGEMENT, you hear me!


I'd wager against my contents and equally for it. I would watch jars tumble and roll...place my nickles against olives and double or nothing for jam. I'd watch the heat mirage against the bread and imagine the mold building a nest of green down, like it's a beautiful thing...like the eggs belonged there and would incubate, grow, be productive members of the coop! I would not bend at the waist, nor use my thighs to squat in rescue, because somebody is coming....somebody else...(as if, as if)


Sometimes I want to spread my arms in surrender, drop responsibilities like a sack of groceries. But my arms are stiff, and muscle has memory, and as I understand it...there ain't no job description.
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22 comments:

  1. Miss,
    The weight of responsibility can be quite over-whelming at times, especially for a woman I should imagine. Often the moments I think comfortable and predictable crumble like crackers all around me. Sometimes though, knowing what you need, is more than knowing what you want isn't it? This being the first time I've commented, let me say that your writing and thought process holds a particular allure for me. I often feel like I'm just bleeding when I sit down and pen a poem. it seems that you to do the same. Have a nice evening and relaxing Sunday.

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  2. Such a wonderful way with words. I have been surprised a few times how much better life can be by surrendering once in a while.

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  3. it's kind of like the desire to scream - where can anyone go and literally SCREAM without being looked at funny? there is somewhere....

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  4. imagine if we didn't even go to the store but rather sat on that porch staring out - and everything would still be alright.

    oh yes, i know this.

    xo
    erin

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  5. Just Me - Yes, I sense you bleeding out when I read your poetry, but it is such a deep beautiful maroon that I feel no need for life support. Knowing what you need is the wise sister to knowing what you want :) Comfort and predictability are sneaky cousins. They often pull the rug right out from under you. Thanks for lending your thoughts here.

    Anthony - Just as you've a wonderful way with paint! Ah...every once inawhile, a day of surrender, white flag and all!

    EcoGrrl - Perhaps that is part of our feeling isolated, unique, alone...this assumption we need to hide our screams. Be heard. If we all released our angst, it might be quite a choir.

    Erin - There are days like that. And days not. Sometimes it all falls away on the porch. But the next day all those cats come meowing...hungry for last nights supper.

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  6. That sort of responsibility is uniquely human. It's a good thing you're still feeling it!

    It means you haven't gone completely feral, not yet anyway.

    - Eric

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  7. I TOTALLY relate if I wanted to be a garbage picker or a trash inspector,I would be paid for it...I do understand what you're poeting, but I just wanted to get trashy x

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  8. "Surrender,surrender, but don't give yourself away..." - Cheap Trick "Surrender"

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  9. i have seen that movie, but who is gonna "tote the load",, he'uh hand me that busted grocery bag...lol

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  10. Eric - You're right of course. The silver cloud. I tend to gloss it over in favor of my dark brooding nature :)

    Lorraine - LOL. Funny girl!

    Eric - Agreed. Surrender can be a slippery slope into lost. It can also be giving in to something you desperately need but fight anyway. It's a two sided coin we try to balance on the edge.

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  11. Glnroz - We were typing at the same moment! Amazes me sometimes. Well, my dog licked up the egg...the rest went back in the kitchen. But next time, it's all yours.

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  12. "Like an invisible Mississipi, Ganges or a Nile, I can feel the quiet river rage, forcing my lips into a smile."

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  13. "place my nickles against olives and double or nothing for jam"

    oh how you write! (broken record that i now am here). does your dark cloud REALLY win out? i doubt it. if you don't mind, i, who has barely recovered from a heart that failed to bounce (more gymaastics lessons needed) will be perhaps often holding up a silly light for both of us.

    and....which came first, the photo or the words?
    :^)

    love
    kj

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  14. Travis - Quiet river rage. Quite the word picture for quiet commotion.

    KJ - My dark cloud is more like sky. Vast. I punch holes through it with will power, nothing more. I want to hear more about your heart. Perhaps the light you hold will shine a light into our murky chambers and the conversation they need to hold.

    The words came first. I took the photo to accompany the metaphor. It was kind of fun and made the weight of the words lessen a little in my arms.

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  15. 'Knowing what you need is the wise sister to knowing what you want :)'
    nifty little insight. i re-read the post after reading this line in response to just me and it sang.

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  16. Ed - I have an insight about once every three years. I should have been writing them down I suppose. I do like to sing though ")

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  17. Sometimes I wish I could surrender to myself. The internal battle seems to be what we fight against most.

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  18. This gives new meaning to grocery shopping...which I am so sick of I could scream...

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  19. Must have been the power of suggestion, I posted on surrendering.

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  20. you are full of insights. you seem to lay yourself bare to the worldly pain so many of us retreat from. you drip with wisdom.

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  21. Eva - Surrendering to self is the entire wham-ditty! First you have to know your core. Then you have to accept it. Then learn to love it.

    Liza - I've always loved grocery shopping. There's no guilt associated with spending money on groceries :) And all those rows of brightly colored jars, vegetables!!! It's actually beautiful. Bring your camera next time.

    Tavis - Must have been :)

    Ed - I don't know about that wisdom part. I think I talk wiser than I live. However you are spot on in the pain category. Sometimes it's like I have no skin. I am a window without shutters and a floor without carpet. Bare. Unprotected. And then sometimes I AM the barrier. Strange. Thank you Shutter Bug.

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  22. It's all easy said and never done, but healthy to admit to it. Sense of freedom here even just reading this, another fine piece. Sigh! We do trip over ourselves...

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Thank you for listening.