When he forced himself into her mouth, she gagged
told herself it was just a reflex...simple addition and all that.
But with her mouth so filled, it was hard to tell herself anything.
She fought behind her nipples though
and spread her legs into a mouth...labia forming pubic obscenities
which felt shouted. She sure as hell heard 'em!
We all know such things are carried into our silence by fear,
but it felt like she declined surrender
and she praised herself for it
for awhile.
Finally, it was her ribs that rebelled.
It was her ribs that never forgot their origin OF, not AS.
They cracked apart like wish bones and found their parallels and intersections
building of themselves a crude ladder.
Into her mouth, words effervesced...opinions
her opinions
HER OWN
With such notions escaping, such unpopular notions, (and at that she laughed...for hadn't 'agreeable' at one time or two hundred been a goal?) there was no longer space for him inside her mouth. Only between her ears.
(This piece is about the way I was raised for the most part. It is a story about the removal of a gag that I carried into my marriage. I felt such a need to be agreeable, to accept another's opinions as my own. I felt guilty for having opposing views. Ribs, and OF verses AS have biblical significance for me.)
.
.
.
.
I hear your words loud and clear. (At last)
ReplyDeletethanks for note at the end. i've recently did the timeline of my life and located the personalities and entities that have successfully dominated me. funny how just figuring this out takes decades. i have a psychotic tendency to be everyone's best friend to keep myself safe and those i love.
ReplyDeletewe don't have parallel lives. i'm not trying to establish that. just that i relate to a servitude that is silently practiced in our society and accepted and promoted, and the hope that a gift worth experiencing results from establishing real independence.
i may always be on this journey:)
Rebellious?
ReplyDeleteThen I will say that I am proud of you for being REBELLIOUS!
Annie, this took my breath away. Oh, to have a voice free from the ancient need-to-please and free from fear. (I think fear has ruled my life since my father's death when I was 6 years old.) You are a brave & valiant warrior to throw off that gag and proclaim your freedon in these fearless words. I'm in total awe! Love you!!!!
ReplyDeleteBrilliant.
ReplyDeleteI had to read this more than once, and I'm still not in total appreciation of this piece of writing, steeped in hidden meaning. You have such a gift for cutting to the bone, which is what good writing should be. But it takes much courage. The photo made my gut hurt and your words....well I'm not done reading them.
ReplyDeleteEric - You always have. Thank you friend.
ReplyDeleteEd - Yes, it's an illness...this need to please, to have everyone smile in comfort. But the ability to make someone feel uncomfortable, to be true to ourselves??? I want that ability. I am fighting for it, as I know you are. We WILL ALWAYS be on this journey, on account of who we are.
Marty - Thanks dude. Me too.
Marion - I have not arrived. I am on the road, but so trying, as are you. We fight the fear we have swallowed and the lines we feel we need to live within. I love you too!
Ben - Well...not really. Just me, being the real me. Thanks Ben!
Yvonne - Thanks for trying so hard, for reading more than once, for the attempt at understanding. Your time is precious and it means a lot to me that it means something to you. Thank you!
Annie,
ReplyDeleteI,now have a little picture into what you previously mentioned...The way you have braved such phases in your life tells me you feel pain spilling out like bad meat out of our flesh as our being...the soul...your soul has remained and will always be beautiful..words can be hurtful at times....and these hurt...but there is this little baptism i would have to undergo to know you better...and i don't mind...like you never have...
Oh Annie, damnit I hear you, I have no words
ReplyDeletei like the razor sharp combination of wit and words that you wield,,
ReplyDeleteManik - Maybe once all the pain spills out, joy will have an easier entrance. How are you doing friend? I hope things have eased for you somewhat. You are knowing me more than I know you I fear.
ReplyDeleteLorraine - Thank you. I imagine you walking with your camera, thinking similar thoughts.
Glenn - Ooooo. New name. Wit & Words! Nah...I need the wine.
Miss,
ReplyDeleteTHIS is surely to be one of the most memorable pieces of writing I'll ever read! Writing for you and me is nothing more than explanations of our lives, tombs in which we bury our dead...most of mine thankfully stay that way too.
Just Me - Please call me Annie! I'm not sure if I wish I could say the same. Things in tombs rot and decay. I'd rather they be set free to fly. I suppose that's what I hope for. Not sure, (not ever sure) if I accomplish that, or if it's even possible. Maybe you're right. Maybe burial is better. At this point in my life I just don't know...and so I write. But such a great compliment. Thank you for thinking it worthy to read, and saying it memorable.
ReplyDeleteYou are a very brave woman.
ReplyDeletejust to let you know - i'm still here - and awed by you you you
ReplyDeleteyou should be too ... you're shining! even when it feels like hell ...
i want to read everything you've written lately - forgive me while i do just that- work's a shit atm and i'm screaming to get out ...
S
Paige - Trying. I am trying to be.
ReplyDeleteShell - I'm laughing. I've not been to your place either...or very many others. Time. I have no time. And agreed! Work is the shits. I will be around soon. Promise.
Annie, thank you for your visits to my place. I guess this writing thing comes from a tumultuous place. This piece is…god I don’t have the words to describe this! I can tell you where this takes me. Standing over me aggressively in anger “Why did you…Why arnt you…What were you thinking…” and without a pause you tell me what I was thinking, as if you have a magical window into my soul giving you insight and the ability to fill from your mouth the words you think should, would or could come from mine!
ReplyDeleteWander without being
it amazes me how many things arise as obstacles to the self. and yet there is this quote about the ego. i think i read it at christopher's(?) something like the ego will be as large as those around it will allow it to be. and so there is this battle, it seems, to be the self and yet to not allow the self to loom. how easily there are countless paths to be lost on. what should be simple is a mystery.
ReplyDeletexo
erin
WWBL - I find much less inspiration to write when I feel level and at peace, than when my storms are raging. If I am calm, I tend to write someone else's storm... or a fiction storm. I don't know what that says about me yet, anymore than why taking photos of broken things gives me so much pleasure.
ReplyDeleteWhen I listen to music, I feel like the lyrics are written for people that can't speak them. Maybe writing is also like that. We hide behind this computer screen, that page, that melody, saying things that are difficult in life. I would like to get to the place when those difficult things have nothing to hide behind but my voice.
Erin - Oh how many times I've heard I could do great things, if only I would get out of my own way. Still today it is true. Less so, I hope. I sang wongs in front of a rather large crowd on Thursday in a white skirt. Threee braveries in one. A skirt. White. Crowd. So yes...I will claim less so :)
((hugss))
i'm constantly focused on what we bring into our adult lives from our childhoods. the leftovers we have etched on our skins. i guess i should say i'm more interested in the ways in which we are able to incorporate the good and the bad into the people we want to be. i'm thinking in circles. you've got my brain moving this morning. thank you for that. because i've got newborn brain. and it needs to move.
ReplyDeleteThought provoking. Well written. An experience in which you are not along.
ReplyDelete