"Those were hard things for me to come by, and I offer them to you for what they may be worth." - Toby Wolff

Thursday, April 3, 2014

What I'm Looking For

What I'm looking for
must not be right, or the timing of it off...
like a mysterious noise from under the hood.
I've craned my ear, but it is as alien as it ever was.

What I'm looking for comes to visit.
We sit on the porch in awkward summary of each other,
while random insects circle
looking for a place to land.
I'm circling too
but the chairs are occupied with our human shapes
leaving no room for the enormity of spirit.

What I'm looking for
moves towards me haltingly
a nervous hand expecting something unpleasant
from the very thing it aches for.
There is so often the hasty retreat
fueled by fear and young pain.
Pain that has an age is by far the hardest to survive.
If the pain is age 2, or 5
only the very brave can look at the full length of it
so the running is completely understandable
ending things like a chord resolved.
It's rather expected, and peaceful
though I wish it weren't an end.

What I'm looking for
seems to find me with a degree of regularity
but stays just long enough for my own growth to disrobe
and stand in that heady space
between complete vulnerability and abject purpose.
There, I allow myself to be the stepping stone
not the landing
watching with an almost parental pride
as what I want
crosses over to what I cannot have.

There are nomads.
There are drifters.
What I'm looking for
seems to have joined a band of wanderers
keeping step with other prodigals on the healing path.

Prodigals return
What we want gives birth to what we need
and I've heard tales, that what we look for
looks back.


  1. The words inspire the need for more, and a history too, I think, of why this is so…
    A full story here, I very much enjoy..

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. if this be a journal entry then gracias for sharing. if this be a confession as a means of catharsis then, 'halleluia'. but because i haven't read an entry of yours in quite some time and this is a pebble being thrown in the pond to watch the ripples once again, then welcome back

    gracias for sharing such a lovely piece

    1. Thank you Marcoantonio! Again, thank you for reading after my being silent so long. I'm not sure I'm "back" but whenever a poem needs breath, I will certainly air it here :) I suppose each poem is a journal page of sorts. They are highly personal, and for me...usually grounded in the moment.

  3. I wrote a poem today. And then I read poems. And then, I remembered I hadn't seen you in a while, so I clicked, and here you are. You words are so lovely, and lyrical, and leave me thinking, wishing I could write with such nuance, the kind of depth you reach that makes a reader say "Yes."

    1. Such a lovely compliment Liza. I'm thrilled the poem resonated with you :) I am working on music too, having just gotten my piano back, so perhaps that aids the lyrical nature of my words as well!

  4. Be grateful for even the small things....I know there is love out there for you. Love begats love and you're such a giver!

    I'm reading a book about the landscape of the abyss. I've jumped...and am free-floating around in that darkness just now. I'm back crying every single day. How can that many tears keep coming? Love to you, sweetest Annie. May the Universe/God return to you a thousandfold the love and kindness you so freely give. xoxo

    1. Awww, so sorry My Dragonfly. There are seasons of tears that just don't seem to quit. I don't know why we have so much grief, but I do hope they are countered by seasons of joy as well. YOU give me joy :) I wish we lived closer!!!! You're in my thoughts and prayers dear friend!

  5. Beautiful poem! And I love the last stanza because it's so true.

    1. It IS true :) We just never know the outcome of things, that big question mark looming. But that's the beauty of letting go of control. You can get a better ending than you could possibly have imagined if you took the reigns.

  6. Beautiful and familiar.

  7. Dear Annie...

    Do we ever really know what it is we are looking for? Most of the time, when we are looking for something else, we are completely surprised by what finds us...

    We should always keep our eyes open accordingly...



    1. Yep! Spoken by a true wise and life-learned professor :) ((Hugs)) Shoes!

  8. Ah Annie. I've missed you xo

    I read this as a self contained journey within yourself. Seeing your explanation above, I read it again and it makes sense of course--the hope for one who can look back. But your poems always have a universality to them--always a reverent inner hope--that I understand so well if only because I'm human.

    I hope you write more here. No pressure of course, but why not? :-)


    1. You're such a dear. I would like the poems to be universal. Each reads from their own perspective and I like that they can take away something painted from that place. There are also readers here who really like to know the back story. It's a spoiler alert for some. So I love that you read it two ways. Super cool :)


Thank you for listening.