"Those were hard things for me to come by, and I offer them to you for what they may be worth." - Toby Wolff



Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Jaded Twinkie





Disappointment feels so lengthy
like the shelf life of Twinkies...
never half price
always buy one get one,
whether you want it or not.

I say this, with the sincerest wish it were a lie,
Moving too quickly through grief
will land you back at the start,
with the finish line looking more and more
like Hank Aaron's 756th home run.

I mourn my losses hard
with the level of difficulty I assign to most things.
I give them the sadness they are due,
holding funeral to dreams while still hoping
they rise from the ashes...
peeking shyly at their memory
from somewhere between an incubating belief
and a dying breath.

You just never know.

I was never a fan of Twinkies.
I like my desserts dense, like the weight of a castle
a monument...solid and dependable like that.
I don't understand anything light, or airy, or easy.
Tough feels familiar,
and too good to be true
usually is.

So I surrender for a season,
not black, not white, not all, not nothing
and there is some relief in that.
Even while sounding resigned and jaded
I am scanning for hope to light another fire
that doesn't easily expire.
A solid vision, a weighted dream
that won't escape.


(Dreams. I remember some dreams dying on the push-push of my son's effort, and others that seemed born of the sky...falling like gifts in a way that no one could ever predict. I thought my heart would break when his baseball dream took it's last breath, but to look at him now...his success and happiness? One has to wonder. I believe God has his hand in everything, and sometimes it all gets mixed up like scrabble tiles. But there still exists...the d, r, e, a, m....and the h, o, p, e, that one day the dream will reassemble in such a way that it can only be called a miracle.)


13 comments:

  1. So that is what woody harrelson is shouting about in zombieland..hehe..We always scan for hope,don't we..it is not a bad thing to do,reallyy...just difficult to admit at times..Cheers to his dreams still living on,and in his-yours..

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    1. Good visual Manik: scanning for hope, almost like scanning the road while driving...seeking, always seeking. We have to find ways to keep hope alive, at least I do. It's work. Grrrrr.

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  2. surrendering for now and maybe for a long time is good, annie. i can tell by the way you said it. I can't figure any of it out, really, what happens, when, why, why not, but i do know it's my ride. I'm trying (wanting) to wring as much passion into my days and I'm thinking it's good to feel exhausted (accomplished) too.

    Your son: that is so fantastic. I know that is a reason to smile first thing when you wake up.

    love
    kj

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    1. Indeed...we should go down having spent ourselves I think. Exhausted and accomplished is good. Exhausted and spinning wheels means time for a dose of surrender....perhaps. Who knows. Doing my best to navigate this life with less than a full box of skills...but gaining :)

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  3. I didn't think it was going to be about Twinkies,,,light and airy sometimes, to me, is ok. I hope things are well with Ms. Wine...

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    1. Mr. Glenn!!!!! Howdy :) Feels like forever. Lots of people like the fluffy desserts. You are not alone there! I am doing well. Working hard, playing hard, getting the most out of every day. How is the Boss, the grandkids? Good stuff eh? I have a grand-dog now :)

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  4. I’m going to stay on the surface. I love the writing.. it is wonderful.
    I am saddened by the sadness, the pain, knowing the experience required to be able to express so well the message..
    I never liked Twinkies much either☺

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    1. Thanks Anthony. I don't write well of happiness. There just doesn't seem to be anything I need to release or frame. Happiness is just...well...happy :) So I appreciate the melancholy stuff to some degree. It keeps me writing!

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  5. Grief is like a leaf fluttering in the wind
    Flipping one way, and then the other
    Until soon comes along the caterpillar.
    Who diligently works with purpose to eat away its edges,
    the middle, the whole.

    And as if to prove that God works all things together for good,
    His weary pain ridden body is crystallized,
    healed and made into a new creation
    that flies free,
    washed and painted in the bright beautiful hopeful
    color of
    Yellow.

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  6. Oh I am learning this grief process most intimately...it has taken me to my knees.
    lovelovelove, Deb

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  7. Hey,babycakes...

    Thank you for the kind words over at my place... disappoint hits some of us really hard... doesn't it?

    But we do survive... to at least try to win happiness yet another day.

    *huggles*

    ~shoes~

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  8. There are so many things we can't escape and I guess we always have a choice about feeling trapped or growing flowers from the soil where we've been planted.

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Thank you for listening.