"Those were hard things for me to come by, and I offer them to you for what they may be worth." - Toby Wolff

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Guilt Pool

I see it shimmer in the distance
like a mirage I should aim for...
because I'm thirsty,
parched for that which I am so closely acquainted.

So far removed....the reflection is
I know I'll see myself there...
as always, the familiar melancholy of the guilty apologetic smile,
never reaching the eyes
until tears ripple the water and force the curve upwards.

I do not know a more powerful cement
than guilt.
It is the most heinous gift we can bestow,
and like lemmings...
we gift ourselves just as easily
(good little students that we are).

Today is different.
The mirage looks dark and deep,
not a surface reflection at all...
but bottomless.
Could it be worse that what I see
every time I trust a likeness to my eyes?

I run
with the purpose of an athlete.
I jump with legs at full power,
crash down...cracking everything dusty
into the shrapnel of lies.

Even as I fall, I know this is better.
This is honest, as honest as I can hear God tell it.

I reach the bottom expecting to drown there
"deservedly" echoes.....echoes.....echoes...
And it is the last lie,
because there is no more water here.
My plunge has displaced years, and years, and years,
ad now I trust the earth.
I stand on solid.

Why the hell had I only lived the surface before?

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Thank you for listening.