I don't understand myself
have never...
truth be told, though it rarely is
(tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but...)
A small bird, with battered wings
trying so hard to be eagle
to soar....
I know most will tell you that they have come to terms
with their inner mechanisms, the gears, the drive, the lubricant
but I am so far afield of that
I'm only coming to know myself, you see
having so adeptly hidden
these workings that shift, drive, brake, speed!
Hell, I didn't want to look either
(click click click past the heinous show of why)
I told you I was broken
I told you I was abnormal
I told you of these dissociative disorders.
These I knew.
But they aren't attractive.
So a soft tell and a stong hide
was the best way to acceptance,
which was important, OHHHH SOOOOO.....
at a young age, but not so much, anymore.
If you could feel my intent...
if effort were a gauge you could see...
I think you'd be flabbergasted
at how much I can lift.
You'd look at the truck I'm lifting from your crushed heart
with two girlie biceps
and be thankful...(perhaps too strong a word)
appreciative that my adrenaline is in full gear
working, working, working
But effort drives a hard bargain
and hides it's agenda behind the bias of selfishness!
It is hidden and immeasurable
seemingly weak in comparison to results.
Oh bloody hell
I am trying
with the might of the hairy Samson,
of David with his slingshot...
I am fighting to know, with all I've got
but I wonder how many more
are fighting against.
.
.
.
I think we know ourselves less than we care to admit. So I try to judge myself by the reactions of others, rather than relying upon my own biased opinions.
ReplyDeleteThat being said - you're great, Annie. :)
Such strength & wisdom I see here, Annie. Yes, you are way mightier than the 'hairy Samson' because that MFer didn't have a single ovary or a va-jayjay. YOU are a warrior!
ReplyDeleteAnd who the hell wants to be normal? Not me. I've spent my entire life loving being not normal. I tell people that there is no such thing as normal...that Normal is a city in Oklahoma. LOL!
Love you!
Marion
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base". ~Dave Barry
I wonder too, if I will ever know myself. This touched me to the core though...and that is knowing something.
ReplyDeleteI like to pretend I know myself, that I have myself all figured out, but all that self-insight and stark rationality do me no good when I find myself in the places I've dreaded all along; crunch-time, as... I don't know... Phil Jackson or someone says. As I see it, there are only two options: feel what we're feeling, or shut off; either way we pay a price. I don't like shutting off though; it's like death.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't be flabbergasted, Annie, I sense great strength in you. You're so honest and vulnerable, traits I aspire to.
I re-read this today and think it is complete shit. Sounds juvenile, even to me. Thought it was great yesterday, and now I just look at it with a 24 hours older jaded eye. I am already different from yesterday. And I wrote it poorly. Ugh. Anyway...
ReplyDeleteEric - Thanks buddy Bubba! I would caution against looking to the world as a reflection of yourself. I think it's a warped mirror full of ulterior motives. Let's be biased, and tell ourselves we are special, because you definitely are!
Marion - I LOVE your spirit! "that MFer didn't have a single ovary or a va-jayjay" LMAO! Coochie Power! It's your cloud strength I carry Marion. I'm missing you!
Liza - I don't know either. Wish I could say I'm sure I one day will. But just as soon as I've got it nailed I will have changed, and the day after that. We flex like rubber but break like glass. It's a mosaic we are constantly reworking. Nonetheless beautiful. I think you are beautiful. I know it from your writing.
Andreas - I see you trying. Trying to know. Yes, damn it...better than shut off. Either road has pain. Shut off also shuts off joy. I keep coming back to this quote (which I can't remember where I read it, or from whom, or even how it really goes) but something like, "You never know what you're really made of until you find yourself face to face with a darkness you thought could never find you." Thanks for the honest and vulnerable comment. I aspire to these also.
No matter how you are looking at this today, there's so many intriguing words and images: like a soft tell and a strong hide. I like it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your visits to my sight. Appreciate your comment on Stockton! LOL! Glad you hae a sense of humor. I'll let you know if I'm ever out that way. I'll treat for coffee.
Meanwhile, please join us for Thursday Poets Rally:
http://thursdaypoetsrallypoetry.blogspot.com/
Hope to see you there.
Jamie
I don't agree that you wrote it poorly ... not at all!!!
ReplyDeleteIt does seem like an enormous battle ... this fight to know. I sometimes wonder who or what it is we're fighting with. Is it our fear do you think? And if so, what are we scared of ... what do we think we're going to find?
Sometimes our inner world feels almost like an alien landscape. At least we know the way home. We do ... don't we?
I think your strength is amazing Annie. xx Jos
Jamie - I'll treat for scones. Too bad we missed each other. Checked out the Rally. Read all the rules. I'll try to comply :)
ReplyDeleteJos - As they say, "All who wander are not lost." Perhaps we're just wandering our inner landscape and gawking at the terrain. Or maybe our innerds are coming out and finally roaming the world? Ha! It's the world who thinks our innerds are alien. Maybe we should let out of the cage more often!
so much truthfullness (if i can use that as a word haha).. i like it. despite what you say after in your reflective comment... for me, that just added genuineness.
ReplyDeleteI read this in the early morning, before going off into the day, thinking I would respond later, like now. I liked the image, and the words seem so strong. They tie together well, almost too well for someone who notes not understanding themselves. I keep working at it too.
ReplyDeleteSee? Where's the crayon version of this, Annie?
ReplyDeleteAll I understand about myself is that I am an unstoppable elephant, and what the elephant wants, the elephant gets.
And good or bad I cannot stop the elephant.
Ever.
- Eric
Ayon - Genuine is a lovely compliment. What else could we hope for? Heck yeah...truthfulness is a word in my book.
ReplyDeleteAnthony - We old farts keep plugging along, finding younger outlooks atop ragged knees :)
Eric W. - Crayon Version for the Elephant: I wish I knew myself better. Then perhaps I wouldn't hurt you so much with my figuring out. But damn, I'm really trying.
ReplyDeleteThe older I get, the less I know about anything ... it doesn't happen as much as I want it to, but I'm delighted when I do something that surprises myself. I don't want to be pinned down.
ReplyDeleteyou read Christopher yet today? none of us knows and if we know we're lying to ourselves:) oh ya. and so only in snippets and fits is there clarity. and then in other snippets and fits it is undone.
ReplyDeletexo
erin
raw and honest and stylish, too. you are hard on yourself. i whip between knowing myself so well and being shocked that i really did that (sort of thing again).
ReplyDeleteLOL. Snippets & Fits. I think that might be the name of my new business. It suits us all :)
ReplyDelete