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| Stephanie and Me |
Her smile dies in still birth
eyes weeping against the curvature
willowed lashes bent in the posture of submission
repeatedly coming up empty, but for a fist of soil
wishing to god-breath-it to life, into the shape her fingers trace, airly
above the space of a cavernous bed
I promised him
promised I'd take good care of her
because you'll promise anything when it feels sacrificial
enough for death
We watched each other fighting in separate wars
reached out a hand
but there was no trust in it
no salvation
We'd never needed each other more
or had each other less
I broke it Mike. I broke my promise
"So did she" his spirit assuages.
And he was that guy, that guy who never held you
to a drunk slur, or a bet you couldn't back.
I wanted to be better. More.
I tried to smile for her
she tried to navigate for me
and we both got lost
.
.
.
.
This was actually written last year at the time this picture was taken. It was after Stephanie's husband Mike died and after a breach in my life. We've been finding our way, and finding our way back to each other ever since. Saturday we will celebrate Mike's birthday together.
ReplyDeleteSo tender. Happy birthday, Mike.
ReplyDeleteSometimes Annie we have to look at intent so that we understand better that our actions cannot always meet the lofty heights of our intentions ... and yet our intention was and still is there. The promise was not a one shot wonder was it? Where you do the deal and move on ... no it was something more and there is every chance still to honour that. God willing.
ReplyDeleteWe do our best so much of the time and yet our attention is often narrowly focussed on those times when perhaps we did less than our best. Who on this planet is any different?
Much love Annie. Very cool photo Ms Smiley Eyes. xx Jos
and the beauty of your closeness is so evident -great eyes, great smiles -i must say, the people who surround me in my hardest times are the ones i have the biggest love for, they are my rocks, and you are obviously hers.
ReplyDelete@ Eric - Thanks on his behalf :)
ReplyDelete@ Jos - So true wise one. I write out these feelings so perhaps I don't feel them so harshly? And no, of course...my committment to her is for a lifetime.
@ EcoGrrl - Where would we be without those rocks? And yet, in this instance...an entire year really, we were not rocks for each other. Separate wars. Very difficult. And still we cling.
so much goes on in any one life. i'm not sure what we owe one another other than the moments when we do come together.
ReplyDeleteyou two come together beautifully:)
xo
erin
@ Erin - Hmmmm. Yes. I wonder. And yet I FEEL as if I owe a great deal. I have been given much and the more selfless I become, the more beautiful love is. Kind of amazing actually. I'm a little in awe.
ReplyDeleteseldom do I hold a closed cupped hand to my chest and rock... it was hard and at the same time was soothing. I loved every beat of it. and I so appreciate the words in the comment. you have a way at knocking at ones soul.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much here, I find myself admiring the use of words, and a distance forms between what has been felt and the hurt and sacrifice experienced. I wish this was imaginary and not so real.
ReplyDeleteYour words often just leave me in a state of contemplation, wordless ... this is very beautifully written. I'm glad you are finding your way back towards your friend!
ReplyDelete@ Green Monkey - You do not seem like a green monkey. I want to call you something more beautiful. So...Dearest, I rock a lot. So soothing. I don't remember ever being rocked, but I think I would have loved it. It's a beautiful compliment to this piece. Thank you!
ReplyDelete@ Anthony - As I admire your use of brush! It was the hardest of times, and continues to be an uphill battle for her. There is still so much more support I should lend, and I will, by god, I will.
@ Matt D - You....wordless??? How can that be? And yet you've done the same to me. Sometimes a piece ends with the period. There are no more words to add. Thank you Matt. I'm glad too.
As so often with your posts I really felt this deeply. Brings back a lot of images and personal recollections.
ReplyDeletegulp. just the photo alone cuts through time, distance, reasons. you are both precious.
ReplyDeleteas for the other part, i clicked on that post and could read only every other word. i hurt for you. damn damn damn. i will go back and bear witness, annie, but i have to be slow about it.
you were innocent. you still are. i know you'll say you aren't but that girl is.
oh, and back to this photo. you look great!
love
kj
@ Ben - What personal recollections? Isn't that why we share? To SHARE? So...ya know...share!
ReplyDelete@ KY - Sweet woman. That you would take it in slowly speaks to your love. To take the dagger inch by inch? Well, that is a labor of love as opposed to taking it to the hilt in one plunge. I am not. But you are sweet to say it. Innocence perhaps is a spiritual thing. And yet I fight that objectivity.
Just my grandma before she died; me being young and mom taking care of her when the siblings (my uncles, aunts) were off doing other things.
ReplyDelete@ Ben - Tough. It has been the same in my family. When my Nonna died, it was her daughter that cared for her. The sons played little part in that, financially or physically. I have two sons, no daughters. It makes me wonder...will anyone care for me?
ReplyDeleteSure. Just give me a call ;)
ReplyDeleteyou tried smiling for her. that's an especially good line. something like actual writers produce those.
ReplyDelete@ Ed - Well...You would know :)
ReplyDeleteI feel the angst in this, Annie, but also the love. I've been lost for days now, wishing I had some of your good wine to drown in or drink with you. Sometimes life just knocks us upside our heads and we're blindsided by the pain because we didn't see it coming. Love you!! xo
ReplyDeleteWe'd never needed each other more....
ReplyDeleteheartfelt and close at hand, these words of yours.
@ Marion - I think it's "Funky November" not stupid "No-shave November". Maybe it's the weather. I've been using my happy light. Probably don't work...but worth a shot. Love you too Marion!
ReplyDelete@ Yvonne - These feelings are always close, of letting people down and wishing I was more of what they need.
You can only support others for so long, then you have to let go, or you go down with them, you owe it too your soul to stay alive for the time you're meant to....gosh you almost made me cry...with or withoug the pain this is so beautiful written
ReplyDelete