(Prologue - I am fine. This was a mental note. This was me off my medication for two weeks and the bottom dropped out. Quickly. It dropped out quickly. Today you have no cause for concern. The fact that I want to hide this mess is all the more reason to shine a light on it.)
Is it suicide if you just write the note?
Lusting is equivalent to adultery. So....
I must be dead.
I lied to myself for a vague moment somewhere in yesterdays window. I guess I am depressed. I've quite the talent for talking myself into things. Such a pity my talents do not extend to talking myself out. I suppose it's unfortunate how well I can fool you. But don't fear your gullibility. I used myself as practice and I really did think it was true. I lied when I consoled my shaking hand with a preemptive strike against what was surely coming. As sure as the sun sets, hopelessness rises.
I lied when I told myself I had choices, but you'll be happy to note I've been set straight. I have no choices. I have no rights. As surely as I read it, it must be fact.
I lied when I said I'd seen the limitless bottom, for today I saw how hungry it was, and that kind of appetite is never satisfied. It will return again and again until I lay myself out as a banquet. Submission and surrender are so highly praised! Thereby, I will be praised.
Do not fight for yourself. Happiness is irrelevant. The most content among us will tell you...it isn't even biblical. The blood from your battles will only alert the wolves. In the end they will chant the familiar lullaby, "you are wrong you are wrong you are wrong." You can hardly fault them for it! Truth is truth, and "I know" will be the last thing you whisper before they eat your heart. It's some kind of sick joke to have your feelings be wrong. There seems no choice but to lie. Who the hell wants to be wrong all the time?
It's taken about twenty minutes for the meds to kick in, for the calm stepford wife of reason and sense to take charge.
"Which Annie ARE you?"
Hell if I know.
But the one I was
before the one I am.
(That was the darkest place I've been. So far. I am deeply disturbed by the contrast but I want to remember and logically look at these feelings in a different moment.)