(Prologue - I am fine. This was a mental note. This was me off my medication for two weeks and the bottom dropped out. Quickly. It dropped out quickly. Today you have no cause for concern. The fact that I want to hide this mess is all the more reason to shine a light on it.)
Is it suicide if you just write the note?
Lusting is equivalent to adultery. So....
I must be dead.
I lied to myself for a vague moment somewhere in yesterdays window. I guess I am depressed. I've quite the talent for talking myself into things. Such a pity my talents do not extend to talking myself out. I suppose it's unfortunate how well I can fool you. But don't fear your gullibility. I used myself as practice and I really did think it was true. I lied when I consoled my shaking hand with a preemptive strike against what was surely coming. As sure as the sun sets, hopelessness rises.
I lied when I told myself I had choices, but you'll be happy to note I've been set straight. I have no choices. I have no rights. As surely as I read it, it must be fact.
I lied when I said I'd seen the limitless bottom, for today I saw how hungry it was, and that kind of appetite is never satisfied. It will return again and again until I lay myself out as a banquet. Submission and surrender are so highly praised! Thereby, I will be praised.
Do not fight for yourself. Happiness is irrelevant. The most content among us will tell you...it isn't even biblical. The blood from your battles will only alert the wolves. In the end they will chant the familiar lullaby, "you are wrong you are wrong you are wrong." You can hardly fault them for it! Truth is truth, and "I know" will be the last thing you whisper before they eat your heart. It's some kind of sick joke to have your feelings be wrong. There seems no choice but to lie. Who the hell wants to be wrong all the time?
----------------------------------
It's taken about twenty minutes for the meds to kick in, for the calm stepford wife of reason and sense to take charge.
"Which Annie ARE you?"
Hell if I know.
But the one I was
pushed "publish"
before the one I am.
(That was the darkest place I've been. So far. I am deeply disturbed by the contrast but I want to remember and logically look at these feelings in a different moment.)
..
.
.
I'm glad your light is back on again, Annie. :)
ReplyDeleteOh Annie - this is so close to what I'm feeling. I published a post yesterday, then quickly took it back to draft because I don't want to be that person, but I am. I was so embarrassed for being that person, I couldn't stand for anyone to view me with pity. I wish I knew a med that could change this. A doctor told me years ago that I should be on Zoloft the rest of my life, but it made me hyper and even more unable to sleep. I couldn't see giving it 2 weeks to change.
ReplyDeleteCan't change a sick mind with a sick mind.
I've always fought the medication. I am grateful to have had some on hand and that there was still enough in my system to work. Or....I wrote it out and felt better and it had nothing to do with the meds. I am working on my sick mind, with hope that when it's healed, I won't need the meds anymore. I can't sleep either. I take a pill to help me sleep as well. I tried the last four nights to go without. I wake up around midnight and that's it. I'm up. So does lack of sleep cause depression? Does depression cause lack of sleep? It's a cluster f*ck quite frankly. And I didn't want the pity comments either, but look here...a kindred spirit comment :) Pity or empathy? It's our own self that makes the judgement. We need to support each other and the only thing supported under the rug is dust bunnies.
Delete((Hugs Kass))
oh dear god, finally, i can comment on your blog. i've read every word and i will backtrack my comments annie, but i am so glad to be able to say something here now.
Deleteannie, i look at meds like i look like wearing glasses. i can insist my eyes see without them, but why go through all that when the truth is with glasses i will see.
and if the pipes burst under the kitchen sink, i call a plumber. that is my insistent independence and competence: i do what i can to arrange for the skills and assistance that will solve the problems and the hassles for me.
depression is so damn painful. it's easy to blame yourself, but i don;t see it that way at all. it's too hard to carry the faith with depression at the wheel. so the meds will help you choose the direction that's best for you.
and about lusting being equivalent to adultry. come on! feelings are feelings, we aren't responsible for what we feel, just what we do.
and if you need to be free, annie, that is no crime.
since i'm throwing ih the whole kitchen sink, i will say this too: there is more than one kj inside me. there is every age i've ever been. there is a scared little girl. there is a compentent woman. there is a sexual hunger. and when my footing;s better and i'm clear headed i can mother us all.
keep writing. it's good, annie. as are you. xoxo
With or without meds i hope there's a good therapist in your life as no pill or lack of pill is enough without a good ally - for me meds were a mask, for others they help, no judgment whatsoever allowed ...i see my therapist in all modes and keep the lessons going. Big hugs!
ReplyDeleteI love you, Annie...you and all of your many selves! Your truth is YOUR truth. Fuck what anyone else thinks about it. I have a saying, "Medication, not meditation". Whatever works for you, Annie. Lack of sleep will make you stark raving mad. I know. Take your sleeping pill and sleep without guilt. Your body needs rest. Take your depression medication and be happy. Trust me, I know people who have been on depression meds for years and they are happy and productive. Before the meds, they were the walking dead. Hang in there buddy, and keep on truckin'. (((hugs))) xoxo
ReplyDeleteI will keep praying, be safe Annie. Keep your friends close, ignore the enemy(s).
ReplyDeleteRabbit
Even in the midst of being torn, still you made the choice that was right for you. I know, we've talked about this before and I've been there. Taking the medication is a CHOICE. Not always one we desire, but wanting peace of mind and some kind of control is perfectly alright (normal as rain).
ReplyDeleteFor me when I took my meds, I was impatient to get off them and felt vulnerable for even needing them. We human beings are fragile Annie, and we break so very easily. Some days are harder than others, but the days continue to move forward no matter what. Move with each minute, each hour, each pain, each smile, let it carry you forward sweet friend.
Who knows what tomorrow holds...you have today and sometimes that in itself has to be enough. (Hugs)Indigo
I'm with KJ in that I can now comment!!! Dont trust the perceptions about people that were driven by the depression! I have seen it time and time again people trying to help but the depression wants to protect itself and it lashes out and formes resentments against those who are just trying to help. There is nothing wrong with taking meds...What is wrong is not taking them when you need to. I had someone in my life that was bipolar, moastly to the depressed side and she took herself on and off the meds because she didnt want to be beholden to them...BEHOLDEN not beholden they were saving her life and offering her the only path to happyness that worked for her...And you may be good at hiding things from yourself, you may not be so good at hiding things from those that care about you. Keep at it and walk with us on this road that has been laid out for us!
ReplyDeleteThese are some GREAT comments!
ReplyDeleteTrust in what God is telling you and what your body and mind need.
Rabbit
*joins the hug started by Marion*
ReplyDeleteI’m feeling the pain here of having to give in, to admit a dependence on another’s prescription, and the questioning of what is to be put up with, and the consequences. Yet the knowledge is there even during the depression. If we conform the chances are better, better than the alternative.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad KJ was here first. And I'm glad she says stuff that makes sense in a way that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteFeelings are NOT the same as actions. They just aren't. Maybe there is something sinful in our hearts Annie I don't know, but it is the things we DO that hurt ... ourselves as well as others.
My thoughts hurt me though. I do understand what you mean in that sense. I deplete myself and then hate myself for having done so.
And one other thing. Depression sucks. Meds work. QED.
Oh and another one other thing. I love you. xx Jos
I kinda sorta love you too
ReplyDelete:-)
i like the dark annie, a lot. when i go dark, if i'm able to articulate it on the page it's a very good thing.
ReplyDelete:)
... fight for yourself. Happiness is relevant.
ReplyDelete*hugs
BTDT. One of my biggest peeves is someone who says, Don't worry, it'll get better!
ReplyDeleteOr they throw some other bubble-gum pscyh at you, along with some timeless cliches, like Be happy, and so on.
I had to get off meds owing to side-effects. I tried a couple of different ones, but along with the sexual side-effects -- which made me a marathon man, which is a bad thing if you are in a relationship (Hurry up! she says, it's been twenty minutes already. I have to work tomorrow.) -- they made me have these tremendous dreams.
They were so vivid, and the dreams always turned violent and wretched and retching, both, all forms of that w/retch word.
And the dreams weren't like dreams when I woke up. They were like memories.
Weird. So I dumped the meds, and nowadays stick with self-medication. "I'm not a drunk! I'm a doctor, and I'm self-medicating!"
Ha.
Anyway, hang in there is all you can do. Keep hanging, and I hope/pray things are better with you this week.
- Eric
just for the record:
ReplyDeletelusting alone is not adultery.
acting on it is.
not letting it wash itself through you and out your head is.
burrowing it into your wrists and letting it cut you open is.
and i know there is a metaphor here somewhere waiting for me to set it free. but i'm trying to say that i hear you, that i feel you, that i care if you take care of yourself but my words all seem small in this little box. they seem like they need to be tuned properly.
hopefully you can hear them.