"Those were hard things for me to come by, and I offer them to you for what they may be worth." - Toby Wolff

Monday, July 11, 2011

Blind Sided

I got fired from my farm today. I opened my e-mail with my face straight to it...no fear...and without caution received a right hook so pointed it may have well been a bullet. You know this moment?...when your skin goes hot and nerves fire a heated buzz. A hive of confusion. A physical WTF! Blood rushes places that never seemed to know blood, yet now smart with being alive. I've never been fired from anything in my life, especially anything I volunteered for. But fired I am. I got an e-mail. After five years, I got an e-mail from my friend, and farm owner, saying things were more efficient without me on Saturdays, thank you very much, and I can pick up my crop share at the health food store along with everyone else. She said she could tell that packing the crates was not my "cup of tea" and that I just really didn't want to be there. (Have you read my posts about the farm? I am confused.)

I called her...asked her what was going on. She said I wasn't doing a good job. I said I didn't understand. She said that when Bob has to tell me three times to clean the crates, well that I must just not care. I was cleaning the crates as best I could with a jet spray hose and a round brush that had a hard time getting in the corners. I was cleaning them the regular way when Bob told me to make sure to clean all sides because they were really dirty. So I did. I had a system. Because I am fast, does not mean I am inefficient. I am a pretty fastidious person. I cleaned onions for an hour...was concerned it was taking me too long.

None-the-less, I told her I was sorry for whatever I had not done well, that if she'd give me another chance I would do it right. She said I complained about cleaning the carrots, that I didn't want to do it. Well, no one wants to do it. It's a shitty job and takes a long time. I said, "I complain about most things. When have you ever known me to be content in anything?" I told her..."I won't be me. I won't complain at all. Just give me another chance."  She said she didn't think she was comfortable with that. I said, "Let's just try it another Saturday. If you are uncomfortable I won't come back." She said she would really need to think about that.

We've been friends for over ten years. Last week I asked her if she thought I was different on my medication, that I was afraid I was getting too talkative, perhaps manically energized. She said she didn't think so, and that she, of all people, would of course tell me. And now I'm fired. And I really don't understand. I apologized....for exactly what, I'm still not sure. But I humbled myself and did it because I love my farm. I have backed it and promoted it, and worked it since it's birth. And now I have done something irreconcilable. I am beyond sad. My body is running out of fluid for tears and my lips are chapped. If you have tears to lend, I could use them.

A huge part of me is dead. And perhaps a friendship with it. I have somehow horribly offended. I wish someone would tell me straight, so I could fix it. But there ain't always a fix, is there? Even I know that.


  1. holy shit. i just don't know. seems strange, annie, strange and like there are holes to it. sure hope whatever it is has a chance to heal. seems wrong. like something wrong and unfair has happened.

    hugs to you


  2. Sounds like a huge lack of communication. Regardless, I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. I hate it when people are apparently upset and don't tell me, and then out of nowhere they act like they aren't your friend any longer. Take care of yourself.

  3. I'm so sorry.

    Is she really a good friend? If she's less than super-close, maybe she got a bit weirded out by you asking about your medication and mania...

    I had to learn to not even talk about my son's "stuff" at my job, because it makes some people wonder about us, and about me.

  4. Erin - Yeah...very holey. I just...I am just warped by it. I will heal. I always do. It's just...well, I tried so hard. Sometimes it just ain't enough, is it!

    Linda - What's wierd is she is the most up-front, never need to worry about where you stand, person I know. So what could I have done to make someone like that treat me like I was stupid. I just don't know.

    June - How nice to hear from you dear. Yes. A REALLY good friend, which makes it all that much more painful. I guess I was due for another lashing. They come, they go. They keep me humble and raw. She takes meds too...so, it seems like another issue. Thank you!

  5. strange, and sad. i hope this gets resolved in way that satisfies you. but you know, as i go thru this life and i think i know people, sometimes i am way off and they really surprise me. what you describe as the issues are not serious enough to fire you. it's certainly not unreasonable to ask for a conversation with you about your level of interest, but fire, no. the bad energy here is your friends' responsibility here, seems to me, with their over-reaction.

  6. Holy FuCk!!!

    I've read how you talk about the farm and how it's part of your routine...

    Holy Shiznit, Batman!!!

    I am SO sorry, Annie... :o(



  7. Ed - You are such a support. I guess I am so used to what we do here...support each other. Bolster. Not as in fluff. As in community interest. It's strange. I am so undone. I can't wrap around it. My faith in myself is shaken, just when I thought I had found it. Strange no? Perhaps faith in self was not the path to take.

    Shoes - Professor, thanks for listening. I appreciate it. I mean...right??? If they heard my words, could they doubt my sincerity in being there? Well...I guess they could. I always forwarded my words along. Back to the statement I suppose, of I really don't know anything. Funny, she was the one that made the comment I alluded to in an earlier reply about how that meant we were now wise. I don't feel wise. I feel discarded. We all have our reasons for what we do. I need to try and understand hers. I will.

  8. a letter in the mail - totally passive aggressive. i'm sorry. :( (and wtf, you're doing it for FREE...lameass friend she is)

  9. "I feel discarded."

    I can easily understand how and why you feel this way. Rejection isn't something easily dealt with...

    "I need to try and understand hers (reasons)."

    The kicker here is that her reasons may not be easily understandable by anyone but her... I am so sorry... :o(


  10. No WAY girl, no reasons at all...no reasons AT ALL for you to be 'fired?' there is no basis to that at all, means only one thing; SHE'S THREATENED BY YOU, by your looks, by your intelligence, by the freshness of your honesty, and your capacity to be who you are..she's threatened by you, and it's unfair of her, and I say let it go. The Pr0blem, is not you. It's her...someone who would let go of you, is someone who has the problem not you. GET THAT AND DON'T FORGET IT xxx
    The bitch, I could take her you know!

  11. You guys are very supportive. But she is not a bitch and she isn't really threatened by anyone. She is the most together and upfront person I know. So I am just very confused. The e-mail firing wasn't like her at all. She is very direct. Usually. I think I have really offended her. I just don't know how. Maybe one day I will. And if I was doing a horrible job, I shouldn't be doing it anymore, even for free. It's their business and needs to be done right. I just could have fixed whatever I wasn't doing to their specifications, or would have liked a chance to try. Gawd, I really was trying.

  12. I still say the problem resides with her, not you...if she is honest with herself she'll call you, she'll talk it over and you'll go back

  13. Sounds like poor performance isn’t the issue, just and easier way to let you go. The truth will emerge in time. Sorry.
    Being fired lead to my starting and later selling a very successful firm. The firm that fired me was mostly threatened by my abilities. I suspect, based on what you have written, something similar is taking place.

  14. Annie, there's more to this than you not cleaning carrots correctly. I just have a strong feeling there's way more to this than carrots. It just feels wrong...and too impersonal and mean...

    I know you and how much you LOVE the farm and how deeply a part of you it is and how passionate you are about it. This is so not about your job performance. Dig deeper. And just remember that when one door closes, another opens. I love you, my friend, and I'm sad for you. Sending love, hugs & more love.


  15. I was wondering,,"is this for real",,but then I read the comments.. sheesh.. you can borrow my anger, (you didn't mention much about that in your post,,:) )

  16. Anthony - My husband said the same thing. As much as it hurts, it does give me more time to pursue other creative pursuits. I'm trying to see the door open.

    Marion - Thank you dear, for the reminder. Look for the open doors. I can't dig deeper right now. I tried and broke my shovel into the palm of my hand. When I stop the bleed, I'll try again. I love you too My Marion.

  17. A distressing and depressing development to be sure. But, as others have noted, there seem to be facets that can oly be explained by another. One thing I've learned (but it took me purt near six decades), is that one can never know the mind of another. They'll either honestly share...or they won't. And if they don't? Well, there's no point in agonizing. Chalk it up as another one of Life's mysteries and move on, forwards, towards those who honestly share.

  18. Um, she is a bit of a bitch. To fire you without warning after a ten year relationship is bitchy. I have a feeling she is not upset about the proverbial shoes in the middle of the room. Being an upfront person can look good outwardly, but she sounds self-righteous and judgmental, Annie. Do not carry this all by yourself. Women can be terribly harsh with one another. We carry what is put on us when we do not always deserve to. The relationship alone deserves more respect, honor and tenderness than she handled you with. Knowing you are transitioning on medication should make her somewhat compassionate. My gosh, I know bosses who care more about there crazed employees going through hard times than your close friend is showing you, her friend.
    What if you decide she is responsible for not letting you have a chance to work on this before she out of the blue let you go. What if you KNOW you are a hard worker, fastidious, and undeserving of what you got here? Allow yourself to rest in what you know is TRUE. So often, too often, we don't get what we need and worse, DESERVE. I am so sorry. I wish she would have been able to give you more than she did. I wish she could have honored your relationship and your humanity.

  19. Annie, I am sorry that this happened to you and I will continue to hope for a happy resolution. The WORST thing about being "blind-sided" by this kind of crap is not KNOWING what went wrong or how to make it right.

  20. I'm reading these posts backward, so now I'm getting exactly *what* was taken so personally. And hon - I'd take it personally, too.

    I hope things are healing and I'm so very sorry for that unexpected blow.

  21. I always say you shouldn't think of it as getting fired -- think of it as an opportunity to chase your dreams!

    I have without much exception seen people who were terminated go on and find a better, more satisfying position elsewhere.

    I'm sorry to hear about this loss, because it can be a huge whack to the self-esteem. Try not to let it whack you too hard. People do crazy things all the time.

    One thing to note is how wonderful you handled even the crafting of your painful post. You show maturity and a complete lack of willingness to slaughter-talk the farm-boss. Your poems and prose could eviscerate her, but you restrained yourself and show a remarkable amount of self-control.

    I always judged my girlfriends by how well they broke up with their last guy. I never went out with a woman who trashed her ex.

    How a person handles themselves under this sort of stress -- break-ups -- can be truly definitive. The way you handled this makes you beautiful.

    I only hope that when I face this sort of thing I can be so wonderful!

    - Eric

  22. So sad! And now I understand one of the comments you left on my blog.

    You know, I'm sure, and your "boss" too that in the paid world-of-work there are such things as warnings, discussions, allerts, corrective action.

    Sounds like it would create a serious vacuum in your life to loose this activity and presumably some of the friends connected with it. I she keeps her word.

    Virtually hugs,

  23. >> "I complain about most things. When have you ever known me to be content in anything?"

    I've said this about myself often.

    Sorry to hear about your job, now I've got to hurry and catch up on your blog to see what happened ...


Thank you for listening.