"Those were hard things for me to come by, and I offer them to you for what they may be worth." - Toby Wolff

Saturday, December 31, 2011

My body is so smart

it knows things
things you can't learn in books
things you can't even remember.

The steam was an after thought.
I have one pan, one lid...in use
so a plate, as a lid
and once lifted

and my thumb blistered before my brain could even register
and my hand released.
Save the fingers
fuck the plate

and it shattered.
There were four, now three
and I am concerned
that I can't get another to match
and the downstairs neighbors must have jumped, and perhaps the baby next door was woken from it's nap and the mother is tired and the floor is messy and there is no thought to the fingers that bubble like boiling water.

but my body knows.

my body knows that in this place
the bathroom door does not need to be locked...
my hand does not even shut the door
and that is a strange freedom
but perhaps not a healthy one.

i am amazed that with all the times I have gagged this body
all the times I have taught it not to care for itself
all the times I have told it to lie
that it still knows how to save it's life!

I am listening to my body.

I don't think I should be the only one.


  1. Your body is smart. And so is the rest of Annie. :-) Here's to listening harder in 2012. I hope your new year is magnificent, sweet Annie. Love you!!! xo

  2. oh, this new freedom of you!
    imagine what your body will teach you!
    no, you can not imagine. i can not imagine.
    the body is too busy living to imagine.
    it teaches us as it unfolds each day.
    it learns, too.

    closed door - whaaa-? do you talk of?
    it is absolutley healthy.
    the body is the most natural thing.

    (i just did broccoli the other night like this for the first time ever. i was so pleased. i am pleased, too, to be able to count my plates.)


  3. If I listened to my body, what next? I might actually listen to those around me? The one's who love me that see from a different angle, under a different light. Happy times to you sweet Annie, much love.


  4. Wow! I could picture the whole steam incident (especially because I use plates with lids too.) "Listening to my body" is a strong and positive idea. I'm going to try to go there. Happy New Year Annie. Best wishes!

  5. annie, this is a selfish visit. i will be back to concentrate on you, but i wrote the poem! the one with all the words! come see when you can! it was a bear! ♥

  6. May this year bring you understanding for what you need, I wish it so much xxx

  7. okay, now, about you and the body. i hope that not closing that bathroom door is a good thing. i hope it means you and your body are in this together, that you will have the freedom to be nekkid without awkwardness.

    i know you are on a journey for what feels like your life, annie. perhaps so. but what i know most is that you are willing to save what is most precious, what must be saved when there is no other choice.

    i hope your pain does not outpace your courage, because this will right itself. our bodies, they never forget and they try so hard. take care of it. no need to question that part


    ps yes about the card. i loved it totally. kind of made my day :^)

  8. The writing here is what is so smart. You listen very well. All I can add is that you aren’t the only one hearing all the messages. They come through fairly clear.

  9. Marion's right, all of you is smart. This brilliant poem is proof.

  10. The hardest skill ever Annie is to be compassionately honest with ourselves. To see what is, to accept what is, and to work with what is. We only have ourselves ... our bodies, our minds ... our souls if you will.

    I like what KJ said about hoping your pain doesn't outpace your courage. Given the courage I've seen you exhibit I hardly think that likely but I will wish all the same.

    Change is so bloody hard. Hold tight Annie, you will become more you and it will work out. It will.

    much love, xx Jos

  11. there is a default within us there refuses to be subject to the environments we abuse ourselves in.

    happy new year friend :)

  12. I don't feel smart or brave, just broken. But I know how resourceful the body is. I know that it has a long and intricate memory. I know that I should listen to it and respect that it has alarms...respect that it has barriers and that there are healthy ones I deny, and non-healthy ones that are old patterns. It is arduous to look at these things and face my dysfunction...readjust. Compassionately honest. This is a good phrase.

  13. Compassionately honest, great phrase. Honestly with compassion is a loving honesty. Nice write.

  14. "Compassionately Honest..."

    To yourself, or to others?

    Does it make a difference??

    Happy New Year, Annie...


  15. Mission accomplished!
    You can have everything you've wanted.
    Whether you realize it or not, you have been and always will be loved by me and many.
    Absence does not heal, it softens and sometimes hardens depending on the hearts and hurts.

  16. two additional cents:

    those burglar alarms have two types of triggers. one is for current danger, as in DO SOMETHING!

    the other is for old danger, as in there is no current danger but until you know the difference it just feels that way.

    just thought this might be helpful to know...


  17. aren't you shocked to see that your body knows pleasure as well? that it saves itself by living? i know i am. it took a long time to not think it was betraying me but that it was actually saving me.
    smart little beasts, our bodies.

  18. There's definitely a lot of wisdom in our genes ... we're so consumed with our words, sometimes we forget to listen. :)


Thank you for listening.