"Those were hard things for me to come by, and I offer them to you for what they may be worth." - Toby Wolff

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Wading Through

Yestarday there were no tears. The first of such a day in a long time. Today I am all tears. I feel the target of many arrows. They sting. Everyone has their own agenda. I'm not going to try and explain myself anymore. I'm just going to do the only thing I know to do at this point, for myself, my husband, and our relationship. I suppose no one else has to understand it. We will understand it when we are through it. My husband and I have always been the King and Queen of hindsight.

Each of us is unique, a fingerprint, a snowflake. There is a language between myself and God. It is like no other. You cannot speak it. It is pain. Where once I would use denial, sin, alcohol, busyness, and lies to deflect this conversation between God and I, now I sit on the footstool in rapt attention. I WANT to learn the lesson no matter how much it hurts. I am hoping that on the other side of this, we will speak differently. My ears may only be attuned to the language of my parents. That has been no aid to me. It is no fault of God's that he must speak to me in the language I hear.


He asked me if I talk to God.

"I beg him" I say.

And what does he tell you?

"He no longer speaks English. His language is pain."


"And it hurts to understand."

Do you want to?

"I'm afraid."


"Pain. It's muddy. It transfers. It cannot be controlled. I cannot keep it to myself."

Should you?

"Should is no longer relevant I suppose. I can't."

Then what are you begging for?



Today is my husband's birthday. He does not need to wish for hope. He has always had it.


  1. I struggle... the same as you. Over the same issues? Who knows. I know we all seek the answers to many questions.

    You say, " I suppose no one else has to understand it. We will understand it when we are through it."

    There was a song by Jimi Hendrix, in which he sang, "I'm the one that has to die when it's time for me to die..."

    My interpretation of those lyrics is the same as what you wrote above. My actions... my thoughts... my decisions... are mine. All mine.

    No one else has to understand...

    No one else really needs to understand...

    Peace to you...



  2. there are an infinite number of important ideas inside of this that i have been intimate and familiar with in my own way, as i see you living your own way. it is only the job of you to be you, to discover how it is to be you, and then to learn how to be you with compassion. it is no easy task. but what i want for you is to lose fear, all fear. there is nothing to fear. everything exists in the same ratio without it. fear only hurts the self, stops us from becoming ourselves, and this is the only work we have to do. i do not like the i, but it is only through the i that we are here inside of this relationship with all.

    have i said anything? have i said everything? pain is necessary. so is the joy that will follow in the most surprising and potent of moments.

    love to you)))

  3. "Time has a way of taking time, lonliness is not only felt by fools, alone I call to ease the pain, yearning to be held by you."

  4. Happy birthday to your husband and bless you both.

  5. Beautifully written!!!


  6. The Journey

    One day you finally knew
    what you had to do, and began,
    though the voices around you
    kept shouting
    their bad advice --
    though the whole house
    began to tremble
    and you felt the old tug
    at your ankles.
    "Mend my life!"
    each voice cried.
    But you didn't stop.
    You knew what you had to do,
    though the wind pried
    with its stiff fingers
    at the very foundations,
    though their melancholy
    was terrible.
    It was already late
    enough, and a wild night,
    and the road full of fallen
    branches and stones.
    But little by little,
    as you left their voices behind,
    the stars began to burn
    through the sheets of clouds,
    and there was a new voice
    which you slowly
    recognized as your own,
    that kept you company
    as you strode deeper and deeper
    into the world,
    determined to do
    the only thing you could do --
    determined to save
    the only life you could save.

    ~ Mary Oliver ~

  7. There always seems so much to wade through. Sometimes we can be just too dam smart, with all the words on hand and time to express so well these thoughts. Those we want to understand most, are the least likely to do so. They are composing their own version of what’s going to become the truth for them.

  8. I know Pain, I am pain, but slowly ever so slowly I let it go a little at a time, hurts, but less, I wishfor you in this new year less much less pain

  9. Annie,
    we are never hungry ....we are never fulfilled...i wish i knew more to say more....maybe some day you will let me...be as you are...take care

  10. experiencing pain, and being willing to experience pain for hope takes all the guts a person can come up with. too bad we don't have a guide, or even a right to peace in this world. but it is as you say.

  11. Love to you Annie. And a big hug for New Years.

  12. Oh and Happy Birthday to your husband, and a great new year to the both of you xx

  13. Annie, thank you for wandering with me this year...May 2012 bring you that place inside that you need, where the smiles go to stay fresh. Happy new year!

  14. Where once I would use denial, sin, alcohol, busyness, and lies to deflect this conversation between God and I, now I sit on the footstool in rapt attention.

    yes, so very yes ... and what Ed said too!

    agonisingly beautiful writing that really does describe the boom and wail of Life ...

    happy New Year and many Blessings to you, dear Soul! x

  15. Dear Annie,
    It was a grace and a blessing to sit with you a few days ago…Marty and I have been keeping you in our thoughts and prayers…your writing is beautiful. And incredibly insightful. Gifted. We had a delightful time sharing with you and hope to catch up with you again….your bottle of wine was a treat for me (Debbie speaking!)- my new years toast!
    Love and good thoughts to you Annie and prayers and wishes for joy, hope, healing and health in 2012 and beyond...
    Debbie and Marty

  16. @ Marty & Debbie - I so enjoyed meeting you both. I'm so sorry it wasn't uner better circumstances. Nothing like an evening of thorough melancholy. But if anyone can brighten a room, it's Debbie! Marty, you are one lucky man!


Thank you for listening.